Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

As Logged By: Agent Rose   Painful insides and running fever This diabolical cutie needs a reliever Not a bit of food can I eat Without it coming up in a great feat.    A trip to the hospital? Anything to stop it all. Should I eat along the way? And make a great, pukey display.   Oh, yes.  It got me.   It really, really did.     The coughing, the puking, the tender tummy, the gas.  The pooping!   Oh, the pooping.    Oh, the puking! "Is she keeping anything down?"  Daddy asks after tiptoeing to my bed.   "Nothing.  Let's check her fever."   Mommy and Daddy get the thermometer.  I try to wriggle away as they press it against my ear.  No!  I don't want my temperature taken.  I push it away, only to push too hard.   PPPPHHHHHFFFFFFFRRRRRTTTTTTHHHHHTTTT!   "Wow!  That one smells like forgotten scrambled eggs," Daddy gags and takes a step back.   "Poor thing," Mommy pouts....

 As Logged By:  Agent Chase   An Easter celebration with family Can be crazy with my Uncle Stanley. He plots and schemes on where to hide The eggs filled with goodies inside.   I do love a bit of fun So I've made some eggs for everyone. A little surprise awaits them all. Did Uncle Stanley take a backward fall?   Ah, a sunny day and family all around.   Don't worry, Daddy.  Don't you fret, Mommy.  This diabolical mastermind has no intentions of pulling off any dastardly mayhem.  My diabolical schemes are special, just for you.   Easter celebration is the best.  He is risen.  Yes!   What a way to celebrate than by filling Easter eggs and hiding them all around?  I dare say, I might like searching through the ground.  Especially, if I find any chocolate with peanut butter filling inside.     "Don't let the kids see where I'm going!"  Crazy Uncle Stanley hisses as he darts past with a bag full of...

 As Logged By: Agent West  Planting season is here at last, So Mommy's having a big old blast. Tomatoes, cucumbers, and radishes.  Oh, my! It's too much for this diabolical guy.   The tomatoes?  I wouldn't touch those! Not even with Granny's water hose. Where are those bright red globs? All I see are stringy, green blobs.    Mommy is at it again.  She has her seeds, her pots, her tools, and her dirt.   That awesomely awesome dirt.   But!  I've learned my lesson.  Don't pull the seedlings.  Even if they don't look at cool as the coolness of dirt.  Don't pull the seedlings!   The dining table is filled with trays.  Some for cucumbers, yuck!  Some for flowers, meh.  Some for radishes, oh no.  One touch from a warm day and they turn into firecrackers of spicy heat!   There's no room to play.  There's no room to run.  There's no room to throw spitballs, or toot bombs, or have any typ...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose Agent Rose's Mom    I typed and typed and typed away. Chicken Soup for the Soul accepted it, hurray! Rosie doesn't care a lick She just wants to poke it with a stick.   Knock, knock on the door? Is Grampa in an uproar? A story about him is in a book! Watch him go completely bazook!  "Yes, Dad," I say into the phone.  All the while, I'm keeping my eye on a certain little lady whose hand keeps diabolically reaching into a nook that must be hiding something sneaky.  "The title is Chicken Soup for the Soul:  What I Learned from My Dog ."  "You say it's the story about me and Tank?"  He giddily asks and I try to remember when was the last time I heard him this excited.  "Where can I buy it?"   "It's available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble , but I have your copy here."   CLUNK!   The phone lines drops.  Am I concerned?  Of course, I am!   Dad almost had a heart attack last Christma...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase   Shower time is so Mommy can relax. She always makes it steam to the max. When will her singing come to an end? My sanity is about to bend!   Bath time for baby, too? What is a diabolical mastermind to do? Should I turn the cold on full blast?  Will that get her screaming real fast?   "Sorry, Chase," Daddy apologizes when I try a pout.  "You know how much Mommy likes to relax when it's her time for a shower."   Yes, of course I know.  I know all about Mommy's special shower time.   "LA!  LA!  LA!  LA!  LA!  LA!  LA!"   Oh, please!  Make it stop!   Mommy is singing and she's getting louder and louder.  Someone, please, make it stop!   I have plenty of stink bombs.  I've even got a toot I've been holding in.  Please, just let me sneak into the bathroom once to set some sort of stink off.  That will stop Mommy's singing.  That will save my eard...

 As Logged By:  Agent West   In the window and along the wall. On my sippy cup and in the hall.  The little bugs lurk everywhere, Including in Mommy's hair.   Can I catch every single one? Or will they attack until I run? This diabolical dude is on a quest I will not stop until I'm the best!    What is taking over my house!?!?!?!?   What are these little, red bugs with black spots?     Are they poisonous?  Will they bite?  AHH!  They're all over the window!  Quick, someone, they're everywhere!   "Ooh, look West," Mommy coos as she guides one onto her finger.  "We've got a ladybug visitor."   Have you looked around, Mommy?  We don't have one.  We have one hundred and one!     She may be fooled by their cute colors, but I won't be so easily tricked.  I'll splat and smack every single one, until I rid the entire house of them!    Look at all of those bugs, crawling up the...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   An achy head is never fun. Nor is a nose that wants to run. A sore throat makes it hard to eat, I can't even handle my favorite sweet!    Will this bug ever go away? Will I feel like myself at the end of the day? Here comes Mommy to offer some comfort To all of this discomfort.   I'm sorry Agent Chase, I'm sorry Agent West.   My diabolical plans must be delayed.   I'm too sick to think, I'm too sick to scheme.  My achy head makes it hard to move, and my stuffy nose makes my face feel like a swollen balloon.   All I want to do is sleep, but sleep keeps evading me.   My eyelids will droop, just before my nose decides to sound a loud hoot, snoot, toot!  Rolling over doesn't help.  All it does is make me head feel as heavy as an anvil.   Oh, why won't this bug go away!?   "WAAAAHHHHH!  WAAAAAAHHHHH!  WWAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"   "It's okay, Sweetie," Mommy comes hurrying in.  "I'm he...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase  Daylight savings has left this diabolical baby Wishing for a nap, or two, even three.  Maybe? The government said they'd fix it. Why, then, is Mommy buttering my biscuit?   Maybe Gobbles can be diabolical. Except he's not all that maniacal. Sleep, sleep, sleep, I say. I'll be diabolical another day.  Shush!   Too much moving through the house.  Mommy and Daddy, SHUSH!   The sun isn't even out!   "Wakey, wakey, Little Chase," Mommy whispers as she tiptoes closer.  "It's time to get up."   Impossible!  As I said, the sun isn't even out!  How could it possibly be going on eight?  How could...     NO!   I turn my groggy head to the side.  On the night stand, the little clock flashes eight o'clock.  No sun, no cheery birds chirping, no snuggly warm sun rays stretching through my window.  That can only mean one thing.   It's Daylight Savings time.   An...

 As Logged By: Agent West   This job is usually left to Agent Chase. But, today, Agent West is on the case.  Cousin JimJim wants to debate me About something I excel at, he'll see.   The origin of toots? What a complete and diabolical hoot!  If I don't knock him out in the debate I'll throw him a stink he'll really hate.  My glare is set on Cousin JimJim, while my hand hides a stretchy ball disguised stink bomb.   Oh, look.  It's the cousin who always smells like a wet diaper, I sneer.   Cousin JimJim sticks his tongue out at me.   At least I don't look like one.   Admit it, you're wrong and you know it.   I laugh at the thought. There's no possible way JimJim is right.  There's no way that toots are globs of poopy sent down an assembly line where toot elves chop them into itty bitty pieces.  Right?  There couldn't possibly be toot elves hiding inside of me!  That's too crazy a thought, even for Cousin JimJ...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   All Mommy and Daddy can talk about Has nothing to do with my diabolical pout. Boiling sap over an open flame? Sounds like something crazily insane.   Maple syrup is what we made?! Now, my diabolical plans have strayed. A smoky touch to that delicious sweetness, I'm ready for some pancake completeness!  "Have you cleaned the boiling pans?" "Do you have the skimmer?"   "What about the firewood?  Do Gran and Gramps have enough?"   My eyes open in a fury of blinks.  What on earth is going on with Mommy and Daddy that a diabolical sweetie can't enjoy some extra shut eye?   "Quick, get Rosie.  We need to leave."   Wait, what?  Get Rosie?  No, no, no.  I have diabolical plans for today.  I'm supposed to become ultimately spoiled after using my perfected weapon.  Leaving is not in my plans.  This can't be, this can't work, this can't...   And I'm strapped in my car seat.   ...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase   Mommy was down with a cold, Feeling groggy and very old. Now, she's trying to catch up On her work that's piled up.   Look out, here's Agent Chase! Causing mayhem all over the place.  Distractions here and there Toots and cahoots everywhere!   I've never understood why people are always in such a rush to grow up.   Seriously, why?   So that they can groan and yawn and ache and moan the whole day long, desperately trying to catch up on deadlines like Mommy's doing?   I think I'll stay a little baby, thank you very much.   A diabolical one at that.   Speaking of which...  I'm due for some diabolicalness.  Poor Mommy was nothing short of a gross ball of moaning snot for the last few days.  I felt so sorry for her, that I even delayed a toot bomb maze I had planned for her.  A real stinker of sauerkraut and swiss cheese.  But, now, she's stuck in front of that computer.  Staring at t...

 As Logged By: Agent West I have no clue what I did to make Agent Rose so livid. She really, really hates my guts, But I think she's going nuts. What to do to calm her temper? Give her a doggie that likes to whimper? Make a face to spark some laughter? Or will she throw my ball into the rafter?   Girls are crazy!   Yeah, I've grown accustomed to Agent Rose's cuteness.  I love the way she toots at her Auntie P.  Her giggles make me laugh until I go poopie.  And the diabolical way she drinks her tea is pure undercover sweetness.   Yes, yes.   I've grown accustomed to her cuteness.   BUT!   Let a diabolical cutie in your life..  and your sanity is through!   Yes, you'll toot your pants, but don't even consider having a diabolical dance, because she'll always be mad at YOU!   It's not about the diabolical deeds that I've completed with ease.   There's always something that is the matter with me!   Never, ever, EVER l...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose I've been caught sneaking pie That was meant for the Diabolical Drei. Mommy thinks I want to eat it, When really I want to fling it! Agent West ignoring me? I'll get him back, you'll see! A pie in the face is such a classic. It's diabolicalness will be galactic! Nothing beats a Mississippi mud pie, especially when made with real, sticky and stinky mud. A few pebbles thrown in, too?   Why not?! A few blades of grass and a dead bug will make this pie a blast. Why am I making a pie like this?  Because that no good, meanie poop Agent West has decided that he's going to ignore me!  That's right, this pie is not going to Mommy and Daddy.  This pie is going to go straight to the Diabolical Drei headquarters, where I will smile diabolically cutely when Agent West takes a bite and promptly spits it all out. Or maybe... I'll throw it straight in his face! "Ooh, is someone making mud pie?"  Mommy coos and kneels down to sit with me o...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase Mashed potatoes doesn't hit the spot Not even when their buttery and hot. I'm too distracted by Gobbles' right now To even think of eating this chow. His curiosity gives me an idea That might be funnier than diarrhea. Plops of mashed potatoes on the floor, Look like something Mommy would abhor. I do like mashed potatoes.  I really do. Especially, with so much butter melting right into those fluffy spuds.   But, whenever I try to take a bite, Gobbles calls out with his crazy, gurggly yelp.  Down to the floor my spoonful falls.  A complete accident, I assure you.  Except, it doesn't stop Mommy from giving me a hard time.   "Chase, that's enough throwing food onto the floor," she scolds.   If I was doing it on purpose, I could understand.  But, these are accidents.  Slips of the tatters.  All because of Gobbles.   "GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!"  He squawks just when I decide to try again.   SPLAT!...