A Diabolically Trained Cow

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 As Logged By:

Agent West

 

You ask me how?

 How did I train a cow?

Quick wit be diapered.

This baby used the right cured.

 

A small bite of hay

Kept this cow from calling all day.

Did I really get it to 'meow?'

 Or is it trickery, somehow?

 

If Agent Chase is impressed, I call this mission a success!
 
This family vacation has been fun, true.  I can't deny that anymore than deny my stinky diaper.  Goat battles and maniacal geese aside, this diabolical dude has had boring moments where he's wanted to sneak away and hide.
 
Hide and blow spit bubbles.
 
That's how it all began...
 
While Mommy pretends she can milk a goat and Daddy tries to imitate the farmer I've nicknamed Ted by saddling a horse...  Hopefully he remembers that the horn faces forward and not the other way around...  Anyway, while they do that, I have sneaked away and am hiding next to the cow, Bessy, nestled snugly in the hay. 
 
I am not empty handed.  No, no.  This dude would get bored for sure, that's why I've brought my favorite book, The Cat Goes Meow.
 
It was not easy to drag it across the grass, nor through the fence, nor into the hay.  All while crawling on all fours.  I've really got to practice standing.
 
"Moo," Bessy hums and gives me a nudge just as I am about to take a nap.
 
What does she want?  What am I supposed to do?  I am only a baby, after all. 
 
Wait!
 
She doesn't want to eat me, does she!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
 
"Moo," she prods again, this time the gleam in her eye looking mighty hungry.
 
With my feet, I quickly shove over some hay.  Oopsies!  I've kicked my book at the same time. 
 
"Meow!"  Goes the book and Bessy takes a step back.  I guess the surprise meow has shocked her a bit.  Not so much that she's deterred from eating me.  Or is she really just wanting another bite of hay? 
 
"Moo," she calls and takes a step closer to me.
 
Oh, stinky poops!  She looks really big when she's this close to me.
 
Please don't eat me!
 
With a swift kick and a shove, I push some more hay over her way.  Anything to keep her from taking a bite of me.
 
Oh, stinky turds!
 
I did it again.
 
"Meow!"  My book sounds.
 
Bessy looks over at the book, then gives the hay a chew.  Is that her thinking face?  I'm not sure.  She certainly doesn't seem as scared this time.  No, no.  In fact, she's scheming and thinking.
 
Ever so slowly she brings her nose forward.  At the same time, I start to scoot back.  She touches the button on my little book and...
 
"Meow!"
 
I'll admit that this diabolical dude is more than a little nervous.  Let's be honest, I'm barely bigger than her knee.
 
She turns her nose from the book to me and I hastily kick more hay to keep her hunger at bay.
 
Munch.  Munch.  Munch.
 
She certainly likes the taste of this hay.  Hmm...  Would I like the taste of hay?  
 
I take a stiff stem and give it a chew.  BLAECK!  No, no, no!  This is gross!
 
"Moo," she lowly grumbles and presses her nose to the button.
 
"Meow," the book sounds and Bessy looks at me.  Her eyes seemingly saying, "Well, I'm waiting."
 
Here, you can have it.  This stuff tastes like dried grass.  Yuck!
 
Wait!
 
Wait.  A.  Minute!
 
Does this cow think that pushing my book's button and making it 'meow' will get her more hay?
 
Are cows that easily trained?
 
Should I take the credit for something that happened simply by chance?
 
Of course I do!
 
I'm a diabolical dude!
 
That's right, Bessy.  Push the button.
 
Press.
 
"Meow."
 
Here's some hay.
 
"West!"  Mommy yells for me.  "West, where are you.  I can't find you anywhere.  It's time to take pictures."
 
"I can't believe we lost him,"  Daddy panics and runs to search high and low.  The saddle on his horse facing the tail and not the mane.  
 
"I warn you," someone with a camera growls.  "The only reason I'm making this booking is because my schedule is open.  I'm highly allergic to cats." 
 
Allergic to cats, huh?
 
Come on, Bessy.  Come on.  Don't you want some more hay?
 
Press.
 
"Meow."
 
"Was that a cat!?!?!?!?!?"
 
Ha!  ha!  Here, Bessy.  Have some hay.
 
 
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