The Story of a Maniacal Plan and a Diabolical Old Man
As Logged By:
Agent Chase
Here is a story of excellence,
A true master of eloquence!
One where people will gladly say
That diabolicalness can save the day!
A crazed man with a maniacal plan?
He's nothing compared to this old man.
An old man with a cane?
That can only mean one thing!
“Are you sure you want to do this, Ralph? It’s only fifteen degrees.”
“All the better! The chocolate will harden before these Christmas shoppers know what hit them!” Ralph sized up his soon-to-be victims. Especially, Henry’s Chocolate Emporium. “That Henry thinks he’s so special because he won the confection competition. I’ll show him! No one beats me.”
“Weren’t you dead last?”
“Quiet!” Ralph ground his teeth together. “It’s payback time. Let’s see how Superstar Henry likes having this entire outdoor mall turned into a chocolate bar!”
Percy cringed at the idea and jammed his numb hands into his pockets.
“This is Dan.” The walkie-talkie came to life with the third member of the heinous group.
“Was it a success?” Ralph asked the old fashioned speaker.
“I gave the security guard the Super Sleeper chewing gum,” Dan paused for a laugh. “He fell over instantly. His suit’s a little big on me., though”
“Don’t worry about that,” Ralph hissed. “You just need to stand by the lever until we give the signal.”
“Are you sure this will work?”
“Of course! Never doubt my brilliance!”
“How’d you get a lever attached without anyone seeing...”
Percy stopped listening when something frightening caught his eye. Passing by them at a slow amble was a man. Not just any man, though, but an elderly man. One with a cane.
He tugged at Ralph’s sleeve. “Ralph! We need to back out.”
“What is it?”
Unable to speak, Percy pointed.
“I don’t see anything.”
“That man. Over there.” Percy pointed again. “He has a cane. That means something bad’s going to happen.”
“You fool. He can’t do any more to stop us than those apples can.” Ralph’s bony finger pointed at a fruit display on the second floor’s balcony.
That was when the old man approached Dan by the lever and asked. “Where’s the restroom?”
“Uh, what?” Dan gulped, shocked that someone approached him.
“The restroom. I need to take care of a BM.”
“A what!?”
“Don’t make me spell it out for you. Now, I tried looking over there,” the old man said and swung his cane to the right. “Then, I tried looking up there.” Without watching, the old man swung his cane around and whacked Dan on the side of his head. Dan shook his head and growled, but the old man never noticed. “I got Christmas presents to buy...”
He flailed his arms so much so as he talked, that his wrinkled hand couldn’t keep hold of his trusty friend. Into the air the cane whirled to strike Dan right between the eyes. The old man never heard Dan’s cry of pain as he fell to the ground, where the concrete pavement knocked Dan out cold.
“There’s my cane,” he exclaimed when it rolled into view. Bending over, he saw Dan asleep on the ground. “Humph, in my day people were fired for sleeping on the job. That’s the third one this week to fall asleep while I was talking.” His words slowly faded as he walked away from the crowd running to Dan’s rescue.
“Dan? What was that noise?” Ralph yelled. When no answer came, he hollered at his assistant, “Percy, go check on him.”
Off Percy ran, only to gasp when he saw Dan.
“Well?!” Ralph hissed through the walkie-talkie.
“Dan is unconscious. This has to be because of that old man...”
“Don’t say it! Just, take Dan’s place. When the vat of melted chocolate arrives, pull the lever.”
“But, won’t someone notice a huge helicopter overhead?”
“No one will notice because they’re all too busy looking down at their phones. It’s brilliant! I’m brilliant!”
Percy was starting to doubt if this plan was going to work. There were too many factors that didn’t make sense. And yet, if he hadn’t been debating whether a helicopter could carry enough chocolate to cover a mall, Percy might have overheard the old man at Alvin’s Produce on the second floor.
“Where’s the restroom?”
“Excuse me?” A young lady, who was shopping for produce, gasped.
“Restroom. I need to find the dang restroom.”
“Uh, uh…” The woman stuttered. “Maybe, the store manager can help you.”
“The store manager! How am I supposed to find anyone in this mess of fruits and vegetables?” Thrashing his cane, the old man knocked a basket of apples over. Across the floor the apples tumbled, forcing people to watch their step, so that no one noticed when the helicopter arrived.
“It’s here!” Ralph squealed. “Pull the lever!”
Percy reached for the lever, but an apple rolled off of the second floor and onto his head! Down another apple fell, and another, and another. All straight onto Percy’s throbbing noggin. When the last apple struck, Percy’s eyes rolled back and he collapsed to the ground.
“Percy! Why hasn’t the lever been pulled?”
Ralph’s limbs shook with violent spasms. If the lever wasn’t pulled in the next five minutes, the chocolate would harden inside the vat and the entire plan would be ruined! He plowed through the shoppers to get to the lever.
Barely making it in time, he reached his hand out and...
“Where’s the restroom?” The elderly man beckoned from behind Ralph.
“Go away!”
“Now, that’s no way to speak to your elders. In my day, we treated them with respect.”
A cane whacked Ralph before he could grab the lever.
“Go away!”
Hooking Ralph’s wrist with the crook of his cane, the old man said, “Now, I’m looking for the restroom...”
For ten minutes, Ralph tried to pull that lever. For ten minutes, the old man used his cane to demand full attention. Ralph didn’t care about BM’s, he didn’t even care about pulling the lever anymore. All Ralph wanted was to get away, but the old man stopped him every time with a whack of his cane.
Giving up, the unlucky chocolatier-turned-villain looked at his once precious lever. Beside it was a phone labeled “Emergencies.”
As the old man rambled, Ralph picked up the phone. “Hello,” he said. “Yes, I would like to turn myself in... Yes, I am the reason for the helicopter. I wanted to chocolate coat the mall… I surrender. Please, come and take me away.”
The police handcuffed an eternally grateful Ralph, who smiled all the way to jail.
Meanwhile, the old man looked around. “Now, where did he go? Say!” He suddenly exclaimed. For just next to that infamous lever, was a door marked ‘Restrooms.’
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