Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By: Agent Chase With   The Puppy The Puppy was right, I admit There was no way to go through with it. Getting everyone to eat cabbage and beans Would have been impossible, by all means. However, we’ve devised another plan. In this temporary truce between dog and man. The Puppy has many friends, you see. Who are willing to eat cabbage and beans, whoo wee!     For weeks I have been saving every scrap of Mommy’s famous cabbage and beans dish, keeping none for myself.  (Not that I want any after the last gas catastrophe.) The toy bin is filled to the rim and it’s starting to smell, but the Puppy reassures me that his friends will still dig in. “Oh, Marge, this was a wonderful idea,” one of Mommy’s friends says as she waves her hand around. “A block party for everyone and their dog. How did you think of it?” “It’s the funniest thing. I saw Chase playing with a magazine that happened to have an article about thro...

 As Logged By: Agent West   Why is Mommy sneaking around Like a thief stealing steaks by the pound? What is that in her hand? A seed catalogue named Plant Land? Should I follow this crazy looney Who’s humming an interesting tuney? I’m scared to see what she’s up to. Especially, when she’s talking to Aunt Sue. What in diabolical diaper names is going on? I’m so confused, I’m completely pooped out. Something is wrong with Mommy. Something’s snapped, for sure! She’s gone batty, insane. She’s sipped one too many, eaten her last sanity cookie! Don’t believe me? “Here’s the mail,” Dad calls as he comes in the door and slaps a wad of folded papers onto the dining table. Bills, letters, nothing interesting of the sort. No diabolical packages. No stink bomb greeting cards. “Where is it?!” Mommy frantically races into the room with her phone to her ear and claws through the pile of mail. Her mouth practically foaming! “I can’t...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   A poopy potty on new year’s day makes Mommy gasp, then sway. Daddy is quite proud That I made a toot so loud. It may have been the refried beans Or, possibly, the sardines. That’s the way to start the new year With a poop the whole world can hear.     Mommy went all out for her New Year’s party.  Chips and dip, so delicious.  Bbq beef sliders, yum yum.  Sardine toasts, who doesn't love sardines?  Potato skins, so crunchy and fluffy.  And a big, big bowl of refried beans. Oh, the refried beans! I’m just a baby, a diabolical one at that.  I can’t help it when the food tastes that good.  I gobbled and gobbled and gobbled it down. All before bed time. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two… ONE! My eyes pop open just as everyone cheers for a Happy New Year, but I’m not cheering.  I’ve got a number two gurgling in the bottom of my tummy t...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase A comfortable nap is best on Mommy's lap. I'll be taking a long snooze And dreaming of plans to choose. If cabbage and beans can stink Worse than scrambled eggs after a week What might happen if we Feed it to everyone?  Hehe! Ahhh, this is the life. I get away with diabolically tooting in Mommy’s face, then I get to nap on the best bed in the house. Mommy’s lap. Just place a pillow on her legs and lay me down for some comfy zz’s. Do I care if Mommy is taking advantage of my napping to get work done on the computer? Of course not! Not for now, at least. Besides... I won’t tell Agent Rose. I won’t dare mention it to Agent West. Let them keep plotting and planning their next diabolical deed for the Diabolical Drei. After those diabolically horrific gas pains, I deserve this little break. Mommy may look a little green in the face. She may be staring at her tea and wishing for a drink, but still be too sickened by my o...

 As Logged By: Agent West Mommy thinks it’s just a game But her fake screams are kinda lame Let’s get Mommy yelling loud Something that will make Agent Chase proud Pulling hair is so much fun Especially when Mommy starts to run Oh, look. Hair in my hand Should I hide it in the sand?     Something terrible has happened! Something diabolically tragic!   Something so unspeakably inconceivable that I'm still in total shock that it is even possible.  I’m out of gas! The idea was perfect. Agent Chase had laughed. Agent Rose giggled. All I needed was one toot. One good whopper to surprise Mommy with just as she set me down in my sandbox. One that would leave a diabolical stink in her mouth.   Hehe. But, no! No, no, no! No gas!   Outdoor playtime always, always, always works to get my toots flowing. Why, oh why, don’t I have any gas? What can I do now? Mommy is walking me out the backdoor. She’s heading down...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose Agent Rose's Mom The time has come to sing thine song of whispering meadows and angels dancing happily along. Let thine eyes flutter fast asleep. No need for Mommy to make a sound. Escape not even a single peep. Oh, how I relish the quiet nap time with that first sigh of release and, possibly, a glass of wine Where I can sit back and rest mine limbs for much longer than a second and my mind can roam through many, many whims. Ones of running madly through a field or in a race where they throw dust paint, Which will cover me like a shield. Or of soaking in a bubble bath One that lasts until my eyelids droop As I bask in the moment I hath. Fear not, my precious baby. I’m still only in the other room. A single baby’s cry away But for these last few moments I shall relish in the peace of these quiet bestowments. WWWAAAHHHHHH! WWWAAAAAHHHH! WWWAAAAHHHHH! Oh well, dreams meant for another day Another time...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase I let out cries and wails From the pressure on my tummy, But this pain prevails. It hurts worse than playing gin rummy. Bring on the chamomile. Pull out the ginger. Why did I eat a meal That could so well injure? “WAAAHHHHHH!”   Oh, the pain.  The pain! Forget the diabolical plans. Forgo the toot bombs and tissue attacks. For dear, old Mommy has found a way to make this baby pay! That’s right. You’ve heard it straight from this diabolical mastermind’s mission log.    Mommy got back at me for all of the stinky toot bombs I’ve exploded at her and all of the rooms covered in torn up, shredded to bits tissues with… With… Cabbage and beans! The gas powerhouses of the food world. The two culprits now wreaking havoc on my poor, itty, bitty tummy. The tangled knots!  The twisting cinches!  The pressure pushing and pushing, but never moving! I can't bear it! "WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" I promise, dear,...