Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By: Agent West   You ask me how?  How did I train a cow? Quick wit be diapered. This baby used the right cured.   A small bite of hay Kept this cow from calling all day. Did I really get it to 'meow?'  Or is it trickery, somehow?   If Agent Chase is impressed, I call this mission a success!   This family vacation has been fun, true.  I can't deny that anymore than deny my stinky diaper.  Goat battles and maniacal geese aside, this diabolical dude has had boring moments where he's wanted to sneak away and hide.   Hide and blow spit bubbles.   That's how it all began...   While Mommy pretends she can milk a goat and Daddy tries to imitate the farmer I've nicknamed Ted by saddling a horse...  Hopefully he remembers that the horn faces forward and not the other way around...  Anyway, while they do that, I have sneaked away and am hiding next to the cow, Bessy, nestled snugly in the hay.    I am not em...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   They say they want an adventure Where Auntie P won't lose a denture. To the animal sanctuary we go For an exotic animal show.   Suddenly Sydney cocks her head And Mommy considers playing dead. I'm having so much fun Watching this giant bird run!     This little cutie has had enough!!!!!!!   Trekking through the Unknown Hills buried somewhere inside the Forest of Henry Skills.  No power, no phones, no fast food...   At least, there have been no drones.   "I can't go another mile!"  Auntie P wails and threatens to fall.  "Whose blasted idea was it to go this far from humanity?"   "It was your idea, Auntie P," Mommy barely manages to huff between deep gasps that only barely keep her standing up.  Poor Mommy tries to wipe away some sweat, but her sleeve is already too wet.   "Can we go somewhere fun, that allows us to sit down?"  Daddy begs from under his trekking hat, whose rims are ...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase   I'm dressed in fancy bows Atop a great fake rose. Family picture day is here. Am I supposed to cheer?   I'd rather focus on the flowerbed Than the camera straight ahead. There seems to be a cow, That has learned to meow.    Agent West is in for a diabolical surprise.     His family may be vacationing on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  That doesn't mean he had to trick his parents into convincing my parents to do their annual Christmas picture on that farm, too.   Now, look at me!   I'm in a dress that is puffier than a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.  A ribbon here and a ribbon there, not to mention the one in my non existent hair.   "Alright, I want you two on either side of the rose and your baby placed in the bed inside it," the photographer declares as he waves his hands.  One for my parents to follow and one, apparently, to direct me.     Really?   PPPHHHHHFFFFFFR...

 As Logged By:  Agent West   They hear honking in their sleep. This baby hasn't made a peep. How am I getting the blame For the feathered fiends' shouting game?   Honking, honking all night long. As loud as a banging gong.  There they go flying away. Now let's get someone to neigh.    "HONK!  HONK!  HONK!"   From the bed, Mommy flips over the edge and Daddy spirals down the side.   "West!  Stop that!"  Mommy shouts.   All the while, I'm in my crib with mouth hanging open and not a diabolical deed in sight.  How can Mommy assume I honked?  I'm not a goose.   But, there are two standing right outside.   "HONK!  HONK!  HONK!"   Mommy tumbles onto the floor and Daddy goes airborne.   "West, that's enough!"  Mommy screeches, her facing scrunching as she punches her pillow back in place.   "Have you taken away his toys?"  Daddy groggily asks.   "He doesn't have any...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   Mommy's stuck fighting lumps That look somewhat like moldy bumps. But, it does smell quite delightful And I'm not yet full.   Down the hatch should they go? What if it tastes like old Play-doh? I'll have Mommy taste a bit. Hmm... Someone's having a fit.    What on Earth is Mommy making?   It better not be meant for eating!   Gooey, brown lumps keep dropping every time she lifts her spoon.     SPLAT, SPLUT, GLUNK!   Yuk.   "I can't get these lumps to dissolve!"  Mommy exclaims and gives the lumpy yuk another swift stir.  "What am I doing wrong?  Look, Rosie, what do you think?"   Before I can protest, Mommy picks me up.  Over to the stove she brings me to stare down into a pot of moldy bumps and steam.   Yuk.    "Can you believe what's happened to my gravy?"  Mommy asks and my eyes bulge.   That can't be gravy!   "I know, I know.  You're just...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase   I'm here to splash and play Like I'm doing water ballet. Bubbles flying everywhere. Until Mommy falls off her chair!   Splash, splash, splash galore. There goes Mommy on the floor. Wait, did I just yawn? Oh, poop.  The water's gone.    Slap!  Smack!     SPLASH!!!!   "Chase," Mommy huffs.  "You're driving me crazy."     She tries to give her very best glare, but I can't help laughing when her face's covered with bubbles like a bath time teddy bear.  As soon as she wipes them away, I splash the water again.   "Stop!  You're supposed to be calming down."   "Did you use the lavender bottle?"  Daddy asks and ducks his head in to check.   "Of course, I did," Mommy seethes.  "Can't you smell it?"   Smell it?   I give a sniff and, yes, there is a nice lavender scent.  How thoughtful of Mommy to make my bath time smell so lovely.  Should I...

 As Logged By: Agent West   Nigerian Dwarfs are so delightful Their colors are such a sightful! Have you heard the diabolical tale, The one involving a small hay bale?   Bugsy is in a tizzy! Worse than itty, bitty Lizzie. Slam!  Wham!  Bash!  Crash! No treats?  Well, gotta dash.    As if the chicken suit wasn't enough, now this diabolical dude is dressed in overalls and a hat made of scruff.   "Ah, smell that country air!"   All I can smell, Mommy, is the stink of animal poopy.   "Which horse is she going to be showing?"  Mommy asks the farmer, whom I assume is named Ted.   "That one over there," the farmer, that I've nicknamed Ted, answers.  He points at a tall horse, bigger than the stink of a stink bomb three thousand!  The dark grey steed lifts his head and poses.     Leading Mommy away from the horses, this farmer, who's very possibly named Ted, brings us to a group of animals that are as...