Mission Log of the Diabolical Baby Brigade

 As Logged By: Agent West I could have sworn there was more stew With delicious beef that cleared my blues. But when Mommy opened the fridge There was none for me to binge! What about a grilled cheese? Smashed, loaded, and coated to please. Is there any more of that? Or is Mommy sneaking some in her hat?     Oh, the hunger pains. The growling tummy, the rumbling stomach. If I don’t eat soon, the gas will come forth. Not the funny toots in Mommy’s face gas, either. But, painful, stuck in your tummy and refusing to come out or budge gas that can only be cured with chamomile tea. Agent Rose may love it, but I’m a diabolical dude! I want my beef stew! Where is it, Mommy? Don’t make me beg. Don’t make me cry. Don’t make me let out a toot that’ll knock your socks to the moon! “Are you hungry, West?” Mommy coos, completely oblivious to the hungry beast about to be unleashed. “Ah!” I let out as a warning and point ...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose Please! Don’t mention eating. Not after Agent Chase’s stink infested beating. Cabbage and beans! Were there no other ways? The stink never ended for days and days! My tummy is tumbling and swirling. I fear anything I eat, I’ll end up hurling. But, I do love being a sweetie that’s diabolical. Especially, when I can do something so maniacal!     Agent Chase is going to get a stink bomb in the face! Joining with the Puppy!? Of all the diabolical schemes. She should have known that teaming up with the Puppy would make her diabolical plans explode. “Okay, Rosie. Time for some dinner.” Dinner? No way! My tummy is still too tender for any dinner. “Come on, Sweetie. You need to eat or you’ll get grumpy.” I stare at Daddy with the angriest of angry faces. Grumpy!? Does he have any idea what horrors I’ve been through? Just thinking of it makes my tummy tumble some more. The stink...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase With   The Puppy The Puppy was right, I admit There was no way to go through with it. Getting everyone to eat cabbage and beans Would have been impossible, by all means. However, we’ve devised another plan. In this temporary truce between dog and man. The Puppy has many friends, you see. Who are willing to eat cabbage and beans, whoo wee!     For weeks I have been saving every scrap of Mommy’s famous cabbage and beans dish, keeping none for myself.  (Not that I want any after the last gas catastrophe.) The toy bin is filled to the rim and it’s starting to smell, but the Puppy reassures me that his friends will still dig in. “Oh, Marge, this was a wonderful idea,” one of Mommy’s friends says as she waves her hand around. “A block party for everyone and their dog. How did you think of it?” “It’s the funniest thing. I saw Chase playing with a magazine that happened to have an article about thro...

 As Logged By: Agent West   Why is Mommy sneaking around Like a thief stealing steaks by the pound? What is that in her hand? A seed catalogue named Plant Land? Should I follow this crazy looney Who’s humming an interesting tuney? I’m scared to see what she’s up to. Especially, when she’s talking to Aunt Sue. What in diabolical diaper names is going on? I’m so confused, I’m completely pooped out. Something is wrong with Mommy. Something’s snapped, for sure! She’s gone batty, insane. She’s sipped one too many, eaten her last sanity cookie! Don’t believe me? “Here’s the mail,” Dad calls as he comes in the door and slaps a wad of folded papers onto the dining table. Bills, letters, nothing interesting of the sort. No diabolical packages. No stink bomb greeting cards. “Where is it?!” Mommy frantically races into the room with her phone to her ear and claws through the pile of mail. Her mouth practically foaming! “I can’t...

 As Logged By: Agent Rose   A poopy potty on new year’s day makes Mommy gasp, then sway. Daddy is quite proud That I made a toot so loud. It may have been the refried beans Or, possibly, the sardines. That’s the way to start the new year With a poop the whole world can hear.     Mommy went all out for her New Year’s party.  Chips and dip, so delicious.  Bbq beef sliders, yum yum.  Sardine toasts, who doesn't love sardines?  Potato skins, so crunchy and fluffy.  And a big, big bowl of refried beans. Oh, the refried beans! I’m just a baby, a diabolical one at that.  I can’t help it when the food tastes that good.  I gobbled and gobbled and gobbled it down. All before bed time. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two… ONE! My eyes pop open just as everyone cheers for a Happy New Year, but I’m not cheering.  I’ve got a number two gurgling in the bottom of my tummy t...

 As Logged By: Agent Chase A comfortable nap is best on Mommy's lap. I'll be taking a long snooze And dreaming of plans to choose. If cabbage and beans can stink Worse than scrambled eggs after a week What might happen if we Feed it to everyone?  Hehe! Ahhh, this is the life. I get away with diabolically tooting in Mommy’s face, then I get to nap on the best bed in the house. Mommy’s lap. Just place a pillow on her legs and lay me down for some comfy zz’s. Do I care if Mommy is taking advantage of my napping to get work done on the computer? Of course not! Not for now, at least. Besides... I won’t tell Agent Rose. I won’t dare mention it to Agent West. Let them keep plotting and planning their next diabolical deed for the Diabolical Drei. After those diabolically horrific gas pains, I deserve this little break. Mommy may look a little green in the face. She may be staring at her tea and wishing for a drink, but still be too sickened by my o...

 As Logged By: Agent West Mommy thinks it’s just a game But her fake screams are kinda lame Let’s get Mommy yelling loud Something that will make Agent Chase proud Pulling hair is so much fun Especially when Mommy starts to run Oh, look. Hair in my hand Should I hide it in the sand?     Something terrible has happened! Something diabolically tragic!   Something so unspeakably inconceivable that I'm still in total shock that it is even possible.  I’m out of gas! The idea was perfect. Agent Chase had laughed. Agent Rose giggled. All I needed was one toot. One good whopper to surprise Mommy with just as she set me down in my sandbox. One that would leave a diabolical stink in her mouth.   Hehe. But, no! No, no, no! No gas!   Outdoor playtime always, always, always works to get my toots flowing. Why, oh why, don’t I have any gas? What can I do now? Mommy is walking me out the backdoor. She’s heading down...